Sunday, September 11, 2011

Remembering

I've been thinking a lot today about the post I wrote a year ago on September 11.  The messages in it are helpful to me today, as I confront the bittersweet realities in our lives right now.  I'm re-posting it here in its entirety and, like everyone else in the country today, I am remembering.


This post originally appeared at Hopeful Parents on September 11, 2010.

Some weeks ago, when I learned that I’d been assigned to write for Hopeful Parents on the eleventh day of every month, it occurred to me that I would be posting on the eleventh of September. September 11. I wondered how I would write an upbeat, positive post on such a tragic anniversary. To acknowledge the date would be somber; to ignore it, when I have been specifically designated THIS day to post, might seem disrespectful.

About a week ago, on a day when the stress of Bud’s transition to a new school year manifested in hard-to-manage behavior at home, it occurred to me that my posting date was fast approaching. I wondered how I would write an upbeat, positive post for Hopeful Parents when I was not feeling like a very hopeful parent. To acknowledge my frustration and self-doubt would be somber; to ignore it would be disrespectful to the mission of this site.

And that led me back to thinking about 9/11.

On that day, when the first plane hit the tower, Bud and I were dancing. We were in a Kindermusik class full of parents and toddlers. We were surrounded by baby laughs and mommy hugs, while hundreds of miles away, inconceivable tragedy was unfolding.

I think about those contrasting images often.

They are images that, through their contrast, capture my world view. It’s a world view that may have started to develop in my high school science class, because it seems to have its roots in Newtonian physics: To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

In my own mind, it has become this: The universe seeks balance.

It’s a theme that plays out consistently in my life.

I look at pictures from Bud’s second birthday party, held four days after September 11, 2001. The faces on the adults are ashen, fixed in still-fresh shock and disbelief. And yet, there we were, gathered with joy, gathered in love, gathered because a two-year-old’s birthday mattered, despite the horror we were all still trying to process. We gathered to meet our grief with an equal and opposite reaction.

I think about Bud’s birth itself – the birth in which his twin brother was stillborn. I think about the hours and days that followed – hours and days of profound sadness, made livable - made powerfully joyful - by the healthy baby boy I held in my arms. Equal and opposite.

I think it’s the way that each of us processes the balance – the way we frame the moments and events in our lives that stand together in juxtaposition – that really defines our experience. I could, I suppose, reflect on my life and feel cheated - angry that the sorrow of x diminished the joy of y. Instead, I reflect on my life and feel fortunate - grateful that the joy of y sustained me through the sorrow of x.

So, I cling to my memories of the earliest moments of 9/11 - those moments in which something was stolen from us that we’ll never reclaim - and I remember the dancing. I remember the joy – and I believe that the people who were dancing, who were laughing, who were kissing, who were living with compassion and kindness at that first terrible moment of impact, created an equal and opposite force that kept us all moving forward, that allowed us to preserve something that can never be stolen.

It’s the same world view that keeps me moving forward through Bud’s darkest days of anxiety and aggression – because as challenging as his behavior can be, as powerless as I can feel in the face of it, I know without question that soon we will experience equal and opposite progress – equal and opposite joy.

The universe seeks balance. Better days are coming. And there’s nothing more hopeful than that.

3 comments:

Club 166 said...

We have a picture of Liz and Buddy Boy at a "Mommy and Me" class at his pre-school (he was a few months shy of being 2 years old).

One can see Liz with one earbud in from her Walkman, listening to reports of the attacks, while holding Buddy Boy in her lap. Her eyes are distant, and reflect the shock we all felt that day.

The universe does indeed seek balance, and we have been blessed with good and bad aspects of that over the last decade.

Perhaps the thing to take from the memory of this day is that no matter how bad things are at any given time, they will get better.

Joe

kristenspina said...

I love this: the universe seeks balance. And yes, so grateful for the joy that sustains us, even in the face of sorrow.

Deb said...

Hi, I am new to your blog. I came across it while doing some research for a friend. I am mother to a wonderful 9 year old son with PDD-NOS and an adorable 5 month old son with Down Syndrome. I have 2 other awesome children as well (ages 14 and 2)!

10 years ago on that day I was pregnant with my 9 year old son (who would later be diagnosed at age 3). I was shopping for his crib. I sat leaning over the counter at the baby store listening to the radio in horror with the people who worked at the store. I was stunned and afraid and worried about bringing my child into this world.