Sunday, June 12, 2011

Think hopefully, write locally

I've tendered my resignation at Hopeful Parents, and will no longer be appearing there on the eleventh of every month.  I want to be clear, though:  it's not them; it's me.  It was an honor to be affiliated with that talented collaborative of writers - people writing honestly about the challenges and heartache inherent in raising a child with special needs, while continuing to stay focused on the opportunities, the possibilities, and the hopefulness it holds.

Philosophically, my affiliation with Hopeful Parents was a natural fit, but structurally, it just didn't work for me.  I've always viewed blogging - used blogging - as an outlet - a way to process through complicated issues and emotions in the moment.  I've had long stretches of time when I didn't write at all.  I've had times when I seemed to be writing constantly.  I have come to trust the flow - to know when I need to be here - to know when I need to stay away.

So, the monthly deadline at HP was a jarring reality to me.  Even when the deadline was weeks away, it hovered on my radar, accelerating my heart rate and making me feel unequal to the task.  When I was inspired to write about a particular topic, I would look at the calendar and think "I'd better not post this on my blog right now.  What if I don't have another idea before the 11th?"  Then, instead of writing and posting and engaging with this online community on whose insight I have come to depend, I would hold the thought, stop the internal composition, and wait.  Inevitably, by the time the HP deadline arrived, that original thought was gone - or was stale - or was representative of a moment that had passed.  So I would develop something else to post at Hopeful Parents, and leave this page largely untouched - frozen and static.

As you might imagine, after a few months of that, I lost my blogging center.  I fell out of the groove.  It stopped being fun.

So, I'm walking away from the have-to and I'm hoping that the want-to will find me again.  I think it will.  I'm excited about the summer ahead.  For the first time in a couple of years, I'm taking a break from teaching in the fall, so I will not spend the summer building courses.  Instead, I plan to dust off some writing projects that have been sitting on the shelf, calling to me - their voices, lately, louder and more insistent.  And maybe - maybe - with them as a catalyst, I will find myself here more often, too.  Not because I have to be, but because I want to be.

I'm not sure if it will happen.  But, maybe - hopefully - it will.

16 comments:

Teal said...

If they made a movie about this time in your life, it would be called "When Mom-NOS Got Her Groove Back." I'm sure like me, all of your readers are looking forward to hearing more from you. Enjoy your summer, Mom-NOS!

Jordan said...

I totally get this. I left a collaborative mom blog for the same reason a few years ago. You were a wonderful addition to Hopeful Parents, but you have to do what works!

Apples and Autobots said...

I'm like you in that I prefer to blog in the moment. Sometimes you just shouldn't try to force it.

Alysia said...

I will read you anywhere. If you weren't true to yourself, you wouldn't be you.

Jaxmom said...

Welcome back, Mom-NOS! I understand the feeling. Writing can be hard work, especially when you have a deadline to meet. The pieces you write when you're in the moment and reaching out to the rest of us special moms are the best. We can all relate to those moments! Have a great summer!

Debbie K.

KathieC said...

As we, the parents of special needs children so often forget, sometimes you need to do what's best for YOU and damn the guilt, most often unfounded. I'm sure I speak for all of your readers when I say thank you for your inspirational posts that always seem to come at just the right time. We're ready and here for you when the time is right ... for you.

Love and light to you both.

Niksmom said...

I think I will simply redireect folks here to THIS post to explain why I stopped writing at HP, too. This life we live is so unpredictable —despite our best efforts to create structure and predictability for our children— to allow the added pressure to bog us down.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd read the phone book if you wrote it. Welcome back...I hope.

Kim said...

I hope you do write here more often, as I love reading everything you write!

kim mccafferty said...

Good for you, there's enough "have-tos" in our lives. Looking forward to (hopefully) reading your posts more often!

Robin said...

I love to read you here there and anywhere

goodfountain said...

I always love when you post. I think I've shared with you before that you were the first autism blog I ever found (and shortly thereafter ran screaming from -thank you denial).

I hope that inspiration finds you posting here more often. :)

Cheryl said...

What they said ^^^^^.

Your words have resonated with me many times, and I was sad that you had been quieter than ususal.
Here's hoping you have a wonderful summer, full of sunshine and laughs with Bud, and less pressure so that spontanaity (???) will be your guide!

Laura D said...

Do what you need, just please don't stop writing!!

KAL said...

Just glad to read you! Sounds like this summer will be a great one :) Happy writing!

Brenda said...

Good for you. "What if I don't have an another idea before the 11th?" cracks me up! What if I don't have another idea before my child hits 21?!

daria said...

I totally know how you feel. And I hope you had a fantastic summer of what you wanted to do when you wanted to do it!