Monday, March 03, 2008

Sometimes the walls close in

Sometimes I am at a meeting at work that is not about me and is not about Bud, and conversation turns to a student who is struggling, who is atypical, who lacks friends, who has trouble reading social cues, who is unpredictable, who is literal, who craves routine, but who is in college and is, on some level, a success story, but who, on another level, has made choices that have set him on a slippery slope that could put his future in jeopardy, and who tries to scramble off the slippery slope, but only seems to accelerate his descent, and I hear open-minded, warm-hearted, thoughtful, caring, student-oriented colleagues express concern, dismay, confusion, angst, as they use words like "odd" and "scary" and "unusual" and "threat" and I flash back to my morning, filled with the wailing and tears of a boy who is sad to see that vacation is over and it's time to return to school, who is not eager to see the adults and children who, by now, should be a familiar part of his daily routine, who has taken to growling when he's struggling to make a point, who sometimes gets so edgy and angry and beyond my control that for brief flashes of moments, I almost don't recognize this person who is so much a part of my very own heart, and my throat closes and my eyes fill and I gasp audibly as I struggle for breath as the room grows dark and the walls close in, but only, it seems, right around me.

Sometimes.

29 comments:

Robin said...

I've been having a week full of lots of those words, and even more full of those feelings. Sadly, this time they are about my child.

I'm listening, and I understand.

kristenspina said...

I want to rush right up there to the far North and give you a big hug. I know exactly what you're feeling and it is overwhelming. On top of that, it truly sucks.

I hope Bud has an easier send off tomorrow and that all those "sometimes" evolve into "almost never."

xx
k

Delilah said...

I'm sorry you and Bud are having a difficult time. We too have those frustrating, overwhelming moments. Hang in there.

Sustenance Scout said...

I'm with Kristen, wishing I could do much more than type a quick note. Buy you a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, a shot of tequila? And listen, that always helps most, doesn't it. Hugs from Denver, K.

Club 166 said...

Well, I think it's just that time of year, as there seems to be a lot of this going around. Hang in there, keep doing what you usually do. Even though Bud is struggling now, he knows you love him.

In another 4-6 weeks (which will seem like forever), flowers will be blooming, the air will be warm, and you and Bud will (hopefully) have smiles on your faces.

Till then, {{hugs}}

Joe

kyra said...

yes. sometimes here too. our version of that 'sometimes'.

sending the big fat hairy motherf'ing love.

VAB said...

Maybe Bud is exploring assertiveness. With his mom nearby and surrounded by a whole host of caring adults, this might be a safe time to test the boundaries a bit.

I also agree with Joe when he reminds us that 'tis the season to be grumpy.

Stimey said...

I completely hear you. I get that too. Sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry, my heart hurts, reading what you have written. I have 4 neuro typical children, and I know that feeling, of discovering a behavior, that causes an inkling of doubt about your child's ability to be a responsible and successful adult. Know that, they try out the worst behaviors with those who accept them the most. I think Bud has an understanding of when to have his best behavior, but shows his frustration at home where it is safe to show those feelings.
Sending good thoughts... and MOMNOS, I have been reading your blog for several months and I have to say. Parenting is a challenge, no matter who your child is, or what challenges they have, you are doing a great job and I believe, giving Bud what he needs when he needs it.

Bea said...

Oh, Mom-NOS, you make me cry.

FXSmom said...

me too

sometimes

Jamie's Girl said...

Sadly, we cannot walk our child's path for them. They must walk their own. I would gladly take the path myself if only I could save my son from the pain.

Oh how I understand.

telemommie said...

Maybe you are in that meeting for a reason. Sending you vibes of strength and sanity.

ghkcole said...

I have days just like the ones you described. I have moments when I see him ready to kick and claw, and I feel ready to do nearly the same. But later it changes and it's all different. I guess that's what we have to hang on to: "This too shall pass." We have no way of knowing who any of us will become over time. I say this to myself as much as to you -- we cannot predict, project or compare, we can only hope, or risk going mad. I send you thoughts and energy for a bright new day, and better sometimeses. I send the thoughts to all of us with special needs kids.

kristina said...

Yes, surely your being at the meeting can be helpful and more for the student(s)----being a mom is a more than full-time "occupation."

I think VAB is onto something too: 'Tis the age for more assertiveness.

big hug!

KAL said...

I have these moments sometimes too. Sending you a hug.

Maddy said...

Oh dear. We had 'the same' after ski week. We're fortunate in that the school and their teachers appreciate that every 'in service staff day' every national holiday and the like each causes an upset to 'the routine.'

I can only hope that we can help make these inevitable transitions easier for them as they grow older.
Best wishes

Drama Mama said...

Mom, you spoke my heart.

One of those students of mine, Conor, whom I've blogged about, was just expelled for similar reasons.

I've been depressed about it ever since. All I see is my child in this situation.

Thanks for your usual unflinching honesty --

Osh said...

I understand the sometimes, and it is so hard for me not to think about it all the time.

Hang in there.

Marla said...

Hugs. Very powerful. I have been there and know what you are talking about here.

Christy said...

I feel your uncertainty. I too have felt that doubt for a just a moment when you are unsure as to who this little person is. Rest assured, it is but just a small spark of time. This too shall pass.

dancingmom said...

The thing is, even when you're in a meeting, it *is* about you and Bud cause you never stop being his mom.

I hope tomorrow is better. xoxo

karen in ca

dmdm said...

It's hard to type thru tears... Thank you for articulating your heartache. Thank you for venting and sharing here. I have seen those closing walls, and I know I will again. 'Sometimes' I really hate ASD/PDD-NOS.

And I agree with 'telemommy'... Maybe you are in that meeting for a bigger reason. You could be the only person in the room with a half a clue about what 'that student' my have encountered before college. Understanding and awareness go a long way to adding traction to the slippery slope.

Keep on keepin' on! (Sheesh, like we have a choice, right? LOL)

Anonymous said...

As I always hear in the back of my mind, "this to shall pass" and it always does. You are my hero and through you I don't feel so alone. I love your blog!

Daisy said...

(((hugs))) I hope you can help this student, or at least help connect with him/her, as you would hope connections will arise for Bud as he gets older.

kristi said...

Yes, I have many days like this.

neil said...

Having the walls close in on you can't be a good feeling and I wonder if that's born from the dichotomy of being a parent and feeling you should understand your own child when in fact there may be times when this is just not possible, no matter how hard you try. At times like these when revelations are thin on the ground, perhaps letting go and simple acceptance of what is may be one way to deal with it. Acceptance is not defeat.

Having had Magda on a dual placement to a mainstream and special school made me realize something, special school are where her special friends are.

Monstie's Mom said...

I can identify with those mornings. My son had one of those today. He's 4.

I wish I knew better what to say... you're right. It's the little things. Right now, as I type he keeps coming over and giving me kisses. :) I'll remember those in the morning when he doesn't want to go to school...

I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling. I guess just know what there are others out there who are going through the same thing and wish you and your son the very best.

Fast Talking Momma said...

I am sooo thankful I found your blog a few weeks ago. This post was just what I needed after an evening of looks from a friend's husband who just can't believe my son talks to me 'like that.' I've felt the looks from him so many times. He has one NT kid, who's best friends with my little guy, and a little girl with Downs, who's an angel, but Downs is 180degrees different than PDD-NOS. I've loved to read your stories about Bud's successes and before I came here tonight and read this post, I was thinking of you and wondering if/how you cope with the meltdowns or if Bud even had them too. I was beginning to wonder if I was doing something wrong, why couldn't I help my little guy when I'm watching him dissolve into a puddle of anger and emotion. Thank you, Thank you, thank you for sharing all of your heart's love and pain. It is so good for the rest of us to know we're not alone.