Blogging has been difficult lately for two reasons:
1. Bud is going through a difficult time, and
2. Bud just turned seven.
Seven is old. Seven is big kid. Seven is time to renegotiate the children's bill of rights and start adding amendments.
At the heart of my struggle is this question: To what extent is it fair for me to post private information about Bud in a public forum?
Where does my story of life as a parent become his story of life as a person? And how much of his story is mine to share?
I feel very comfortable sharing the good stuff - the triumphs, the proud moments, the crowning achievements. But the harder stuff, the darker stuff... there, I type with caution.
On the surface, I am writing about my own parenting struggles and shortcomings in the face of difficult times. But on a much more significant level, I am writing about the challenges that are at the core of Bud's being, about the things that overwhelm and frighten him, about the places where life feels beyond his control.
I think about the times in my life when things have felt beyond my control, and I wonder how I would feel if I learned that someone else had changed my name and a few identifying details, then posted my life story, complete with all the most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking moments.
I don't imagine I'd be pleased.
I wish I could ask Bud about it, and get his blessings before I hit "publish." But we're not able to have conversations like that; not yet. In the meantime I'll continue waging the internal battle, make my best guesses at what is appropriate to share and what should remain outside the blogosphere, and keep my deep respect for Bud at the center of everything I write. For now, that will have to be enough.
And, for now, I'll say this: We are doing well, but - for now - I'm staying quiet.