Friday, March 11, 2005

It's Your Party, But I'll Cry If I Want To

Well, it finally happened. On some level I've been holding my breath waiting for it to happen. On another level it caught me totally off guard.

I'd run into some moms that I've gotten friendly with. (We occasionally get together for a mom's night out without kids - that sort of thing.) I was standing between Jack's Mom and Matt's Mom, and heard Matt's Mom say "Matt is really excited about Jack's party. Any suggestion for presents?" The question barely registered with me, but I happened to glance up at Jack's Mom and that's when I saw the look.

It was half deer-in-headlights and half hand-in-the-cookie-jar. It was a furtive glance at me (completely void of eye contact) and a quick switch to Matt's Mom with an almost audible level of meaningful eye contact - a plaintive "Ix-nay on the arty-pay."

Had it not been for the look, the question would have continued to not register. Had it not been for the look, if I even thought about it I would have thought that Matt and Jack had a special friendship, or that Jack got to choose one friend for his birthday and chose Matt. Had it not been for the look, it would have been a complete and total non-issue.

But there was the look.

The look that said "I made a conscious decision not to invite Bud to Jack's birthday party." The look that said "He's just too different, too difficult, too immature, too unpredictable." The look that said "My kid just doesn't like your kid - nothing personal." The look that said, "This is awkward cause I know we were kind of starting to become friends, but this is my kid's birthday party and I don't want your kid to screw it up." The look that said "Get used to it."

The reality is that if Bud had any idea that Jack was having a party and he wasn't invited, he would not care in the least. The reality is that if I asked Bud if he wanted to go to a party at Jack's house, he would say "no." The reality is that if we'd been invited and I brought Bud to the party it would have been hard for him and we would have left early. The reality is that we probably would have made an excuse and not gone.

But would it have killed her to invite him? Doesn't she see that it's hard enough for him to just be in this world, without having people go out of their way to exclude him? Can't she understand that Bud is the most amazing little person she is ever likely to know and she is wasting this opportunity and robbing her son of the experience of knowing him?

Doesn't she realize how much this hurts?


Moi ;) said...

{{{{{{HUGS TO YOU AND BUD}}}}}}

People like her are ignorant. Enjoy that fact and revel in it a while. She is an ignoramus, dumb as a rock, and she's too frigging dumb to know it! There, doesn't that make you feel a little better?

Now, if that had been me where you were....I would Not have been able to keep my mouth shut. You will get to that point, too. I probably would have looked at the woman and told her most of what you thought. I would have added something to the effect of "sorry my son isn't up to your standards of a friend for your kid. I hope he doesn't grow up to be as ignorant as his mother."

I hate people like this. But they are everywhere. And this crap happens all the time. Don't worry, though, Bud will make a friend. Bug did (he is over now, they are watching cartoons) and yours will, too. You have to get him out into groups with kids that are like him. :)

The biotch is that you are not going to be able to allow Bud to play with Jack, now, you know? And that sucks. Because you don't want your son around people like his mother.

Do you have any support groups around you? I would join one that meets when you can take Bud. Lots of times they have play groups - and the parents are much, Much classier than Jack's "mom." (A REAL Mom would never act that way...)

Gwuinifer said...

i know precisely what look you mean. and yeah, i expect it. and yeah, i get it all the time. and yeah, it still f*cking hurts.

every time.

i'm so sorry.

MOM-NOS said...

Thanks for letting me know you understand. In one way, it helps to know I'm not alone. In another way, it STINKS to know that this is not an isolated incident and that these people are everywhere.

You're right, Moi, that Bud won't play with Jack. Bud won't care - and neither, it seems, will Jack. The bigger bummer is that I will no longer look forward to the "moms' night out" events, will no longer try to foster a friendship with this woman, and will probably make excuses about why I can't make it when something is happening. (Because it's clear that *I* am good enough to associate with; it's my child who is not.) Grrrrrr.

Anonymous said...

oh, mom-nos! i am sending HUGE cyber hugs to you! i know that look. i know that feeling. i know that hurt. there is so much this woman DOESN'T know! especially, how incredibly spectular bud is in every way.